Coping vs. Transformation After Job Loss

Coping vs. Transformation After Job Loss

Recently, my role ended unexpectedly.

I did what most of us do. I updated my LinkedIn profile. I took my fitness practice from zero to level 5. I picked up unfinished projects and created new ones. I told myself the right things. I coped.

In fact, I coped too well. I had enough strategies in place to create a sense of safety — at least on the surface. Yet underneath it all, something felt off.

I couldn’t shake the feeling of self-doubt.

Why do I feel humiliated when so many brilliant and capable colleagues are going through the same thing? Why do I feel panicked even though I “know” my next step is just around the corner?

I eventually realized I wasn’t struggling because I lacked resilience — but because I was still operating from a belief that no longer fit: that my worth lived outside of me, in approval, recognition, and validation.

That’s when the difference between coping and transformation became real for me.

Coping helped me stay productive and positive. But it didn’t change how deeply this experience had disrupted my sense of self.

Instead of trying to override the discomfort, I began paying attention to it. Not to fix it, but to listen. The tightness in my chest. The urgency to prove I was still valuable. The familiar pull to explain myself, to justify the pause, to show that I was still moving.

I needed help seeing this more clearly. A peer coach recommended The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi, and one idea deeply resonated with me:

“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences — but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.”

This mirrors something I’ve come to see clearly: we are shaped far more by the meaning we give to what happens to us than by what actually happens — especially when that meaning quietly ties our sense of worth to how we are perceived.

The Shift

Becoming aware of that belief changed how I related to it. Instead of trying to push it away, I created space around it.

Over time, job loss stopped feeling like a personal failure and started registering as what it actually was: a transition that required integration, not acceleration.

I stopped asking, What should I do next?
And started noticing, How am I relating to where I am right now?

What I’ve Come to Understand

When a role ends, it’s not a reflection of your inherent value, but often a shift in a company’s priorities. Yet somehow, we internalize organizational decisions as personal verdicts — and that’s where the real struggle begins.

Here’s what I find troubling: we’ve built entire industries around helping people “bounce back faster,” “stay positive,” and “keep moving forward.” Much of this is coping. And while coping has its place, it can become a sophisticated form of avoidance — one that keeps us productive but prevents us from asking deeper questions about what we really want and who we’re becoming.

This work — learning to recognize the beliefs we’ve been living from and deciding whether they still fit — has become central to how I work with change.

If this resonates and you’d like space to explore how change is actually landing for you, I’m currently offering a limited number of complimentary coaching sessions as part of my practice.